Prematurity Awareness Month

I know Ava wasn't as premature as some of her NICU buddies. But it was still a trying time. She was born at supposedly 35 weeks, but when she was born she plotted out to be a 33 weeker. She was big, 5 pounds 14 ounces. I am suspecting i had a touch of diabetes.

Anyways, to see my baby blue and purple, when i was not expecting it, was not fun. I think I was in shock? In denial? I did not know what to think. After 2 horus of not seeing my baby, i began to wonder if that was normal? I thought shouldnt i be bonding with her? I hear the couple down the hall, and their baby is crying and everyone is laughing and having fun. Then the news that she had to be transferred to Pittsburghs, West Penn Hospital. I was still in shock..this whole team came in a mobile NICU to get my baby. They wheeled her in to me in this huge glass type thing, with all these wires..i had to tell her bye. I just met her and already had to tell her bye.

The next morning was when i finally lost it. They had told us we had to watch this video about what to do when you take home your baby. So we put it in so we could leave asap. My mom then called and said that we could hold her when we got down there, ( she was with her!! ) and i told frank..and he started crying..well if he was crying, then something was wrong. my mind just wasnt right..i lost it. Thank goodness the dr let me go...he came in and tried to talk to us, and the nurse plopped out that video and told us we shouldnt of put it in.

And we were off. I was never in so much pain, with 50 plus stitches i could hardley sit. I just wanted to see my baby. So that night we make it to the NICU. I felt like a lost little girl looking for own little girl. We scrubbed up and walked in...Frank went to the wrong baby, he thought it was Ava! We didnt even know what she looked like, He got "Scolded" for that and we told them we were sorry that we didnt know which was ours. Finally i got to see her, she was laying there looking peaceful with her heart monitors and IVs. She had the normal preemie problems, Bradys, apnea, feeding issues, jaundice, couldnt hold her body temp and RDS..she had a lot of fluid on her lungs. The nurses took such good care of her. It was a scary and trying 2 weeks..( yes only 2 weeks , but 2 weeks IS 2 weeks...) Frank and I totally grew up in those 2 weeks. At first I didnt even want to be there, everytime her monitor would sound i would leave the room. I couldnt deal..then I got to hold her for two hours one night, and no alarms went off. It was a turning point for me. They tested her for downs, and waiting for those results were hell. I still get comments that she looks like she has downs? I dont know, ALl i know is my 16 month old baby girl is my best friend ..we hang out all day together. I am so proud of my girl. I worried so much that first year..she doesnt do this, didnt do that...nothing was "on time". we still worry, and are probably facing speech therapy. But she is healthy and happy..thats all that matters...here are some nicu pics . before and after !

Just random banter

So its 1020 pm and Ava refuses to go to bed. Im done trying , she will come to me when she is ready ...she is playing and being good but still..i like for her to be on a schedule and she doesnt sleep good anyways. OK so im making no sense...i just want her to go to bed!!!! sigh.
Im kinda sad, i just got the news that my BILs dad is dying , and might not make it thru the night. now ive never met him, he lives in wisconsin, but i still feel bad about the whole thing.

I have a pounding headache, plz tylenol fast realease...WORK and work now!

Ava is walking pretty good now, she prefers to walk rather than crawl..she is still pretty slow and the slightest breeze will topple her over ;) We went to the park twice last week. It was soooo nice! She had a blast, going down the slide ten million times and swinging. Of course she cried when we left.
Her 15 mth appt is Thursday. I am really afraid since I am going to tell them once again that i dont want her to have two shots at once. Either the MMR or something else. If it were up to me i would have the MMR seperated, they told me they dont do that. Im very worried about this, Dont get me wrong, i want her to be vaxed, but not so many at one time. I belive in my gut that her body just cant handle that. I told them NO Chicken Pox vax and they about went thru the roof. But she didnt get it , and they told me that wont be the last we hear from them abotu that vax. She is MY daughter! I swear.

Ok well my baby is laying the floor so maybe she wants to go to bed now?? wish me luck!

Ava is walking!!!!!!!!

I am soooo proud of my little girl! For a couple weeks has been taking steps here and there, but the last two days she really taken off..granted she is really slow at it hehe, Daddy said she looks like Frankenstein trying to walk. Ive been waiting for this for what seems like forever. When all the other July babies were walking on their first birthdays and then for Halloween, and so on..I was getting worried! So one more weight off my shoulders.

Happy Halloween ( a little late ! )

I hope everyone had a good and fun Halloween. Ours was alright, Ava went to a party and on Tuesday we tried to go Trick or Treating, but it rained and was cold. She ended up with a lot of candy, that I really need to stop snacking on! She had a ton of fun at the party which was held at her Aunts Dance studio. She crawled everywhere and was going through other kids legs. She was the star of the show!!

She ended up getting sick on Weds. She started running a high fever , around 102.5 and we took her to her pedi right away. They thought strep throat but her culture came back good. She was also bagged for a urine culture. That was a nightmare. Now remember I am a FTM ;) But about an hour after got home i checked her bag and it was OFF. Im like omg now what?? It wouldnt stick back on so i got tape. Yes I taped it on myself with some packaging tape. We ended up getting enough and that came back too. I thought for sure it would of been contaminated from me messing with it so much. PHEW! She is on an antibiotic and on Saturday her fever finally broke and then she broke out with a rash. Scared me to death. Seems it was Roseola ( SP?? ) I thought for sure she had measels. She is still not feeling like herself, she has been sleeping a lot..which if anyone knows Ava, is really unusual. I am hoping she is back to herself soon, or I may just loose my mind from worrying so much!!
As Far as me, Ive been doing ok, having horrible nightmares about people dying! UGH. And today is the first day ive had to take an antivert in a couple weeks. I feel way dizzy today, but then again my ear is feeling clogged again. Sigh. Alright we are off to Nanas for awhile. Take care!!

So once again it's been forever since I blogged.

I think Ava is going to walk soon!! She is taking up to 10-12 steps at a time. She still seems to prefer to crawl. I really wanted her to walk by Halloween...hurry it up girlie!!

Ava really enjoys when her cousin who is 7 months older comes over to play!! I got them to sit still ( bribed with fruit snacks lol ) so I could take some pictures. It amazes me how more open she is since her cousins have been coming over for me to watch. She needs a sibling sometime soon! I feel as though when its just her and I she gets really bored! We run out of things to do.

Ava also recieved her first bruise on her face!! She fell and hit the TV stand..poor thing! Her knees are also getting bruised, she crawls like crazy! She needs to walk to give those knees a break.

As far as me, Ive been feeling alright. I have been getting some episodes at night of Tachycardia. My heart will be up to 140 for hours. Blah but drs really dont care, they blame everything on anxiety. I am trying to have a more postive outlook on life...I am dieting with a friend of mine ( Shout out to Meg! ) and we are emailing each other what we ate for the day ..we basically just hold each other accountable. I do ok during the mornings but as the days go on, and early evening comes along I start craving sweets like crazy! We will see, I hope to loose atleast ten pounds in the next 5 weeks or so.

My back and arm is aching, i blame that on how I sleep with Ava, she still sleeps on my arm..not as much but for atleast 3-4 hours a night. I am finally starting to feel it..ive been waking up with charlie horses in my neck..umm who gets them in their neck?? I guess me..of course.

Ok well i suppose i should go to bed!

Take care

Why won't she eat!!I

It's driving me crazy. Ava has not been wanting to eat for weeks. She had a cold, but that seems over with ...so whats the deal. Its totally driving me crazy. She is a little 15 months old it is, around 21 pounds..she needs to eat!! We went from little miss piggy, eating 2 stage 3's and 3 stage 2's PLUS table food and milk..now she eats about 2 jars of stage two a day, LITTLE bites of table food and some milk. She is going to wither away! Im so afraid for her. I offer food all day long, i think im obsessing over it. UGH.

Not much else to report...well there is a lot, but it doesn't belong on this Blog right now.

On the health front, my anxiety is worse than ever..but Ava keeps me going. Thank goodness for her. Ive been feeling faint again when i stand up, my heart pounds. Who knows what the crap that is..i thought i was done with that!
Awhile back my gyno told me he could be my PCP...so I changed him to be my PCP...then his assistant told me to switch to another insurance so It would cover my BCP for my PCOS...so i did..i make an appt go in for my vertigo, they give me a referal for the neuro...THEN one day before my appt they call me and tell me that they dont accept my new insurance..only for gyno issues...UGH!! WTF!!? So my referal was no good and not go to to my appt. SIGH. I told them They were the ones that told me to switch. Im so mad and upset..ihate to call back and switch again! So ridiculous, and they were rude about it .

Ok thats my vent for the day.

Anxiety raring its ugly face

Today has been a fight. A fight to just get through the day until bed time. While i have in my mind things I want to do, i keep getting waves of ligtheadedness , feeling like im going to pass out..i just dont know, how can the be anxiety. I guess atleast I have something to blame it on.

We went shopping this morning , got Ava a new toy..a Mr. Potato Head. lol. Frank picked it out. It was really nice to get out of the house, I Loved it. Although the whole time i was using positive self talk. Trying to convince myself I wasnt going to pass out. Why cant i just be normal? For Avas sake? Sigh.

Ok well thats enough whining..i still have no new pics of Ava. Ive even been slacking in that department.

Starting to climb

I know Ava is a bit behind on this, but she got onto the couch by herself! And i caught her trying to climb onto the coffee table..lol. Who knew such little things could make me so proud. Im sure in a couple of weeks when she has mastered her climbing i wont be as happy.

I watched my sisters kids again today..the morning was nothing but confusion. My mom wanted to take emily home with her, but she was supposed to come to me..so i said no, just bring her in. Emily throws a fit when she comes here because of my "rules"...i am very structured and have a schedule..and i dont go for hitting and i do have a time out. ONLY to keep things in order. im not downing my sister, but they dont live a very structured life. we do things very different here..and emily doesnt like that. She was very good all day though..once she got in!

I havent talked much about it, but my wedding is in 7 months. I am getting so nervous about it..im so afraid something is going to happen, like ill go to the neuro and she will tell me i have brain cancer and that I wont be able to get married. So ive been avoiding any wedding plans..my friend called today ( one of my bridesmaids whom i love ) and was talking away about the wedding..i got so depressed . Im so afraid it wont happen or ill be too sick or have a panic attack. sigh.

I just dont know sometimes!

Vertigo, anxiety ,ugh!!

Since Ive last posted I went to my dr to talk about my ears and vertigo. She told me I have fluid and pus in my left ear..then told me I need to go a neuro to check out why I have had vertigo attacks on and off since I was 16. She FREAKED me out..brain tumor, ms, brain stem injury. My anxiety is terrible. It hasnt been this bad in a couple of years. All i can think of is..SEE I was right..I have a brain tumor. Its my worst fear . My appt is on the 18th. I keep trying to think positive..being that my ear DID have fluid and that could of caused my dizziness. I COULD just get chronic ear infections that do damamge to my middle ear...i recover, then it happens again. Im trying to think of all the simple things it could be. But really..I am just scared to death.

Ava has been a little princess. I love her so much and if it werent for her i probably would of lost my anxiety ridden mind. She stands up all by herself from the middle of the floor..she tells me NO, shakes her head yes, and she Claps now. yipee. Im hoping i just was worrying about her development for no reason. She is so pleasant..she loves to smile and laugh..and really has her dads disposition. She has woke up screaming two nights in a row. I think she is teething. Usually she just wakes up and wants to play..not scream.

Well the battery is runnig low on our NEW lap top ..yup we got a new computer..yay. I love it.

Take care everyone

Random Jibber

Well maybe not so random! I think Ava may be walking soon, I am SOO excited...she learned to stand up in the middle of the floor all by herself. She can stand for a couple of mins..she had tried to take steps, gets up to about 2 and falls. We clap, yell , scream act crazy..she loves it!! I am the proudest mommy ever. She can take her steps better while on the bed..go figure!

I have a drs appt tomorrow..been having bad vertigo spells again..UGH. I am just hoping its still just my middle ear. Ive had this since high school, it comes in spells..but this certain spell doesnt seem to be ending. I constantly feel off balance, and my anxiety is maxed. back to staying in, and not doing much but park trips and to trips to nannys house.

Ive also been watching my neice and nephew for 2 weeks now. Its been ok--Ava really enjoys it. I am still deciding if I want to do it full time. I need some sort of a playroom ..we have white carpet in the living room area, we just got it and i didnt want it tracked on nearly as much as it is getting tracked on now with all the activity.

Ok have to get a few things done...take care!!

Zzzzz

Once again I start a post off about sleep. I KNOW once you have a child you loose your privileage to sleep in, take naps, sleep the whole weekend away..ect ect. I am not asking for that, I am asking for once night of about 5-6 hours of straight sleep. Last night was horrible. AJ woke up around 230am and would NOT go back to sleep...not that she screams and cries..she just lays in my arms and if I lay down she freaks. So finally around 7am she falls asleep and sleeps until 820...she took a pretty decent nap of about 1 1/2 hour, but i couldnt sleep then my sister brought the kids over...I feel awful today. Sleep deprivation is catching up to..i feel so blah , i dont want to shower, get dressed, make dinner..or anything. I just sit and play with Ava. To be honest with you, SHE didnt even get dressed today..stayed in her comfy Dora Jammies ( thanks Emmie for the hand-me-downs hehe ) .

Yesterday we took Ava to the park..Frank and I are both spooked with worries of Autism or something else, since Ava seems *different* . She played with the sticks and we were so worried.. i know frank was, i could see it in his face. Finally he got her to go down the slide and she laughed her butt off. They went down a ton, then played on the swings then more slides..she cried so hard when we left. Poor thing. I think its *my* fault that she is quiet and all..she had no interaction with kids, its just me and her and her nana then her daddy when he is done with his days work.
She doesnt clap, wave, point..all signs of autism. I am freaking out!!

ANYWAYS....she had a blast on the front porch yesterday. Frank had hosed off the front porch and there was a puddle left behind.
Well she slashed and played in it, soaked up all the water..her nice white shirt and socks were black! Oh well, she thought it was the coolest thing!

Well I just had to rock her back to sleep, so im going to stop typing now.
Take care!

A house full of kids

So today I watched my niece and nephew, Emily is soon to be 4 in November, And Brady is 21 months. They came over at 8am and after another long sleepless night I can tell you I was not looking forward to it. It actually turned out to be a good day, once I fully got awake and was able to enjoy the kids. It was really nice for Ava to have other children there. My sister and I kind of distanced off, and really havent seen much of each other..I want the kids to know each other, so this was a great oppurtunity. Sis was working from 6-2..mom brought them to my house at 8. Frank had to leave for a school project on campus at 11 and was gone until almost 5. So it was just me and the kiddos.
I made breakfast and lunch and gave snacks..they all got along great. Ava really kind of played around them, which worries me..but hey she has NEVER had kids over before or had the chance to interact with them, so why should I expect her to know how to do it? Ya know? She cried a couple of times when Brady had a toy she wanted, but other than that it was a good day...my sister is going to work and needs a full time sitter..now i just need to decide if I want to do it. The extra money would do us wonders. I just have some thinking to do.

My vertigo has been bothering me..not quite the room spinning crap, but the im woozy off balance. UGH. So I just took an antivert. I hope it kicks in soon. I will have to make a drs appt soon, as I only have 2 left..and ive been getting these dizzy attacks every couple of weeks..another thing to worry about! When will things just go normal with my health? sigh.

Ok well Mommy Duty calls for this evening..thank goodness we are ordering out for dinner.

Sleep!?

I need sleep. I Really do. Im not just saying that-- I know I've said it a thousand times before ( IE myspace.com ) but Ava still isnt sleeping. Its been 14 months, and I just need some sleep. Last night was Horrible, she started the tossing and turning around 1 am. I tried to roll over and ignore her..then the crying woudl start..i pick her up and rock her and all is silient..lay back down, 5 mins later it all starts over. IT went on until about 7am. And finally she seemed to fall into a good sleep until 830. By then i just a laid there with her head on my sore hurting sleeping arm. The dr mentioned sleep apnea, but since she doesnt snore ( maybe like once or twice?? ) he said its not likely..but im starting to think otherwise. Please pray!

Other than that, not too much is going on. Ava still isnt walking..i am hoping by Halloween? Who knows. She is starting to let go and stand alone. She does it alot on the bed and couches, go figure!

Frank has school all day, and is even staying over to do a project..I am guessing I will go visit my mom--

Ok well I gotta make miss no sleep head some breakfast.