so im going to blog about it and maybe it will take my mind off of it. This morning i woke up and my floaters were worse than ever, i was seeing some sort of glowing thing..so ok i went back into bed and laid down put some tv on, and felt a little better. Frank left for School, and it makes me sad...i dont want to be alone, i got used to him being home due to the snow. So I put a little einstein dvd on for ave, and go next door to talk to franks mom. So we talk, i tell her i want to paint avas room..it was NEVER done before her birth we bought the paint..then she was born early and we put it off..and put it off...so she said she would help, i sit on the bed check yada, and now im feeling Horrible. I cant breath, i keep yawning, im thinking the worst. I know i have a brain tumor or something, i know it. I dont want to die and leave my baby behind...despite not feeling well all the time, i LOVE life. LOve everything about it, i love my daughter, Frank, my family and friends , my yada mommies..i dont want to leave this earth just yet. Oh why do i have to feel this way. I need to shape up, i sure as heck cant let ava watch a dvd all day because i dont feel good. Fighting off a panic attack is hard...atleast I think thats what im fighting, what if its something way worse.
UGH.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
EI never showed....and life.,,and Happy Vday
So EI team never showed on Monday. How is that for a let down? I guess there was a big mix up since my caseworker was out having surgery, she didnt let anyone know that she needed someone to fill in for her..like she told me she was going to do. So no one showed. I talked to them several times Monday, and I shoulda gotten really mean with them, but i didnt. The made an appt for March 8th. Which in my book is unacceptable. I know they have 45 days to complete everything, BUT i called way back in JAN. But they are starting my refferal as last wend when i signed papers. UGH. They found a way around it. Which ticks me off. I think i may call my caseworker on Monday, since she will be back then. And ask what happened, and WHY they made an appt so far ahead , when she supposedly has something lined up for me way sooner.
I was in a horrid mood that day, i waited and waited..had my mom come over, and Frank was there. They kept telling me to stop pacing and freaking out, that they would show. I just had this gut feeling that they werent going to show. And I was right.
I did not sleep at all that night, i was so upset.
And last night was bad, Ava was up from 3 am until 7 am. She wouldnt sleep at all, no matter what i did. She wasnt crying, just wanted to be up. I still think her reflux bothers her, i really do. And on Friday I am telling it to the dr, and he better listen to me this time...she woke up after 20 mins of nap screaming, then she burped, passed gas ( TMI! ) and the burped up acid stuff and started choking . Needless to say naptime was over. She was too worked up over it.
She went to be around 830 tonight, hopefully tonight is a little better.
We have had snow for two days now, all the schools have been canceled and what not. Its our first BIG storm in awhile. Its so pretty outside too! And i love seeing the neighborhood kids outside tubing down the road and playing. Frank has been off of school too, since the snow...so he has been home...we usually argue if he is home too much but nope, it has been going well. We ventured to Target this morning, the roads were HORRID, but we made it. Dont worry we left the baby with his mom, but yeah..the roads were covered and I was pretty scared. Panic attack scared in fact, especially on the way home down our huge hill. We slid around, but Frank is an awesome driver, so we made it in once piece. Thank goodness. He bought me new comfy jammies there, and a new pair of undies and some socks. I still didnt get him anything. We got Ava another Elmo DVD, Bath tote, and socks. Like we didnt just buy her markers, a tv, dvds, a bubble machine and a fort. SIGH! She is spoiled lately. YIKES!
The fish oil doesnt seem to be helping my anxiety, in fact in Target i was so anxious and thought for sure I was going to pass out. I asked Frank if my lips were blue he said NO! But my face was flushed, so i started worrying why my face was flushed..but after awhile i was ok. Until the slippery ride home.
And just a little bit ok, my chest was feeling funny, like thumping...but not heart palp thumping, so i was like thinking horrible things like something burst in there, or my heart really was beating so hard for it to feel funny...so i had to sit and think , and i took my pulse and everything seems normal. Who knows!
Tonight is LOST night, yay! I cant wait to watch. Hopefully miss ava doesnt wake up during it. Then its bed time, im Tired from last night the whole no sleeping dealie.
Happy Valentines Day !
I was in a horrid mood that day, i waited and waited..had my mom come over, and Frank was there. They kept telling me to stop pacing and freaking out, that they would show. I just had this gut feeling that they werent going to show. And I was right.
I did not sleep at all that night, i was so upset.
And last night was bad, Ava was up from 3 am until 7 am. She wouldnt sleep at all, no matter what i did. She wasnt crying, just wanted to be up. I still think her reflux bothers her, i really do. And on Friday I am telling it to the dr, and he better listen to me this time...she woke up after 20 mins of nap screaming, then she burped, passed gas ( TMI! ) and the burped up acid stuff and started choking . Needless to say naptime was over. She was too worked up over it.
She went to be around 830 tonight, hopefully tonight is a little better.
We have had snow for two days now, all the schools have been canceled and what not. Its our first BIG storm in awhile. Its so pretty outside too! And i love seeing the neighborhood kids outside tubing down the road and playing. Frank has been off of school too, since the snow...so he has been home...we usually argue if he is home too much but nope, it has been going well. We ventured to Target this morning, the roads were HORRID, but we made it. Dont worry we left the baby with his mom, but yeah..the roads were covered and I was pretty scared. Panic attack scared in fact, especially on the way home down our huge hill. We slid around, but Frank is an awesome driver, so we made it in once piece. Thank goodness. He bought me new comfy jammies there, and a new pair of undies and some socks. I still didnt get him anything. We got Ava another Elmo DVD, Bath tote, and socks. Like we didnt just buy her markers, a tv, dvds, a bubble machine and a fort. SIGH! She is spoiled lately. YIKES!
The fish oil doesnt seem to be helping my anxiety, in fact in Target i was so anxious and thought for sure I was going to pass out. I asked Frank if my lips were blue he said NO! But my face was flushed, so i started worrying why my face was flushed..but after awhile i was ok. Until the slippery ride home.
And just a little bit ok, my chest was feeling funny, like thumping...but not heart palp thumping, so i was like thinking horrible things like something burst in there, or my heart really was beating so hard for it to feel funny...so i had to sit and think , and i took my pulse and everything seems normal. Who knows!
Tonight is LOST night, yay! I cant wait to watch. Hopefully miss ava doesnt wake up during it. Then its bed time, im Tired from last night the whole no sleeping dealie.
Happy Valentines Day !
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Tomorrow is the Big Day !
Ava's Eval is tomorrow. I am so nervous. I couldn't wait for it to get her and now Im not so sure. I am scared of what they will say. =( HOPEFULLY they will say I am worrying for nothing and she is a typical late bloomer. Pray please!
We are planning on going to see my brother, Timmy, at the end of the month. I cant wait to see my nieces!! Kylie and Karly. I miss them, and its been years. They have not met Ava yet. So I am way excited. I hope Ava cooperates with the 4 hour drive! I am sure she will, she loves it in the car.
So road trip for us coming up, the first one in over a year!
I started taking fish oil, to try and help with my anxiety and heart palps, I was just taking one a day now im up to two, its been about 4 days. I SOO hope it helps, ive heard good things. So keep your fingers crossed!
We tried to get Ava to sleep in her new big girl room last night. UGH. she stayed up until 11, she refused to sleep in there, so of course mommy gave in =/ Maybe one day. I need to get tough!! She takes up the whole bed, and STILL wakes up way to many times a night. blah. I want sleeep!!
Well im cutting this short, im exhausted.
We are planning on going to see my brother, Timmy, at the end of the month. I cant wait to see my nieces!! Kylie and Karly. I miss them, and its been years. They have not met Ava yet. So I am way excited. I hope Ava cooperates with the 4 hour drive! I am sure she will, she loves it in the car.
So road trip for us coming up, the first one in over a year!
I started taking fish oil, to try and help with my anxiety and heart palps, I was just taking one a day now im up to two, its been about 4 days. I SOO hope it helps, ive heard good things. So keep your fingers crossed!
We tried to get Ava to sleep in her new big girl room last night. UGH. she stayed up until 11, she refused to sleep in there, so of course mommy gave in =/ Maybe one day. I need to get tough!! She takes up the whole bed, and STILL wakes up way to many times a night. blah. I want sleeep!!
Well im cutting this short, im exhausted.
Monday, February 05, 2007
Ava choked =/
Ok im going to copy and paste from a Birth Board about what happened last night :
Well..this evening , franks mom..( yes the one i complained about and never will again ) and I were making Taco Salad for the football game. We were crushing Frito Chips to put in it and Ava got a Frito. I really didnt think anything of it, she never eats anything hard or crunchy...i thought she would just taste it and put it down. Well a few mins later we were talking and ava fell against MILs legs --I said Ava what are you doing? And she didnt turn or move, MIL bent down and picked her up and her face was blood red, her mouth was opened and nothing was coming out..
We soon realized she was choking...then she coughed and we thought she wa ok MIL put her down and i was getting her a drink and i looked back at her and her face was red again , blood red..her mouth opened up and she was stumbling backwards.
Sheer panic...MIL picked her up and was shaking her and i blowed in her face and tried to feel in her mouth, then she turned purple. I started screaming for frank ( though he said it didnt sound like i was saying his name at all, just a high pitched scream )
I dont remember much after that, i remember her face swelling, she started like bloating in the face, and stuff running out of her mouth...I was dialing 911 or trying to.. i dialed it WRONG. i am a horrible mother. I panicked and froze. I felt like i wasnt me any more , i dropped to my knees watching MIL perform the hiemlich..i finally got 911 , and was telling them my daughter was choking, i kept saying that...then i saw MIL sticking her finger down her throat holding her upside down, and then it happened...she threw up. Blood and mucus everywhere, then she gasped and screamed..the 911 operator heard this and was reassuring me that she was ok..she said if i wanted her to send someone she would , but she stayed on the phone with me and listend to ava cry..she told me she was ok and if i changed my mind and was worried she would have someone come out. I probably should of told them to come check her out for my own peace of mind.
Her color came back and she sobbed for an hour. Finally she drank a juice box and a bottle of milk. She is now sleeping but im so afraid its going to come back. Im so afraid...my little babies face was purple as can be , her eyes rolled back in her head and she was limp. MIL said the heimlich wasnt working , that her stomach was hard as a rock. MIL saved avas life...if she wasnt there, i dont know..im such a bad mom, i should of NEVER reacted the way i did. I have never felt so scared in my life, so sad..so sick. I dont want anything to ever happen to her. now im afraid to ever let her eat again. Hold your little ones tight. and please becareful of fritos...i dont know why she even ate that, she doesnt like that stuff.
thank goodness mil was a RN before she worked at the dance studio..for many years. she did break down after we knew she was ok..why couldnt i be strong for ava like her.
I just dont know ..sorry this post is all over the place.
So that was our super bowl night.
On a good note, she is feeling like herself today, she has played and had fun, we went to breakfast with daddy, and to target..she got the "Super Fort" ...which is now taking up the living room..she loves it!
AND we got our EI appt...the lady told me "we fell through the cracks" She was sick, and lost our information. UGH! She told me another lady would be calling right away, 3 hours went by and NO CALL. So i called back and finally spoke with someone...They will be coming out on WED! I cant wait to just get the intake out of the way.
Friday, February 02, 2007
EI troubles
Our local EI is really starting to get on my nerves. They were supposed to call me back with an appt, a closer appt ..i just cant wait anymore . The lady said she would have her supervisor call me within the week. But nope, and you can bet On Monday morning i will be calling. Im so sick of them I thought they were supposed to be Good and professional..ok maybe im jumping the gun, but damn! You know? Im a worried concerned parent, and the waiting is killing me!
And for anyone that reads this, my daughter is NOT stupid. She is very smart, and getting in her face is not helping matters at all, please do not scream, yell , or talk to her like she is any less of a person. She is sweet, kind, full of love...making her feel stupid is not going to help..and it makes ME feel horrible.
I dont know if i have even blogged my concerns for Ava, but she isnt talking, doesnt point, wave, kiss, hug...bring me toys,--looks like she has some sensory issues, along with communication issues--she has been doing strange things lately, that really have me concerned. But Im waiting for that EI appt to really talk about things, i want to see what they say...
As far as me, yuck! last night i felt horrible, my heart was beating out of my chest-- i thought i even almost blacked out for a split second, but i dont know. I know ive said it before..but i just want to be NORMAL! Im so tired of worrying about dying, if im going to die..then fine. I dont want to suffer.
Really sad tonight, i dont know why. Im trying to keep my head up and push along.
And for anyone that reads this, my daughter is NOT stupid. She is very smart, and getting in her face is not helping matters at all, please do not scream, yell , or talk to her like she is any less of a person. She is sweet, kind, full of love...making her feel stupid is not going to help..and it makes ME feel horrible.
I dont know if i have even blogged my concerns for Ava, but she isnt talking, doesnt point, wave, kiss, hug...bring me toys,--looks like she has some sensory issues, along with communication issues--she has been doing strange things lately, that really have me concerned. But Im waiting for that EI appt to really talk about things, i want to see what they say...
As far as me, yuck! last night i felt horrible, my heart was beating out of my chest-- i thought i even almost blacked out for a split second, but i dont know. I know ive said it before..but i just want to be NORMAL! Im so tired of worrying about dying, if im going to die..then fine. I dont want to suffer.
Really sad tonight, i dont know why. Im trying to keep my head up and push along.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Dentist..a huge waste
I went to the dentist yesterday for my wisdom teeth. My bottom right has been bothering the heck out of me and I am sure was even infected for about a week. I rinsed with peroxide and it took care of the infection..for now. Anyways, it still hurts a little...so off to the dentist i went. I really dont like dentists and was way nervous about it.
First the took my pulse, pulse ox and blood pressure..never had the done at the dentists before! Anyways, blood pressure was higher than normal..129/89. My Pulse was 109...eeek. ox, was 100..thank goodness. Now my pulse is always high, every drs appt. They never say anything, just wow your heart races...no freaking kidding. It always does....sigh.
Anyways, They looked in my mouth, took an xray...and thats about it. The dr advised me to have them out, but he said it would be very complicated, my teeth are really impacted in my jaw and on the right, laying on some nerve that controls sensation to my face..and if he would nick or damage that nerve that i would loose that sensation ..forever. Hrmph. He said he would be willing to try...ok i dont think so. I agreed but in the back of my mind im thinking HECK NO! He said the surgery gets worse as you get older, and told me that mine do need out.
Then they preceded to tell me the costs...almost 2k. Yeah i cannot afford that.
So i paid 155 dollars for an xray and them to tell me that yeah i need them out, but that i should go to a dr that takes my "welfare" insurance to have them out...jee thanks. For one its not WELFARE, and for two i juts paid your ass 150 some dollars, and you didnt even give me a cleaning.
I dont know..i just think im going to ignore it for awhile. Its just added stress. The pain is subsiding, and if i get an infection ill call a new dentist.
Im just glad its over..i went. and its over. thank goodness...while I was at the dentist ava stayed at my sisters, she stayed there from 2 until 7...and she was fine! I was worried, but all was well.
She DID NOT sleep last night..last night was bad.
Really really bad.
I was getting impatient, i am so tired....I was getting ready to blow up so i took her to her crib. She got so mad at me she puked in there. She was in there for a total of 20 seconds, and then she threw up from screaming so loud. So i just turned on all the lights and we played. She cried, i played, we watched tv, played blocks, played noggin on the lap top...and finally around 4 am she fell asleep. She got up around 9. BUt damn...you know? I just dont know how much more i can take, i dont know why she cant sleep..its so frustrating.
Im having some troubles With Early Intervention..but i am waiting a call back. I cannot wait to get her eval done and over with. I just want everything done and over with.
First the took my pulse, pulse ox and blood pressure..never had the done at the dentists before! Anyways, blood pressure was higher than normal..129/89. My Pulse was 109...eeek. ox, was 100..thank goodness. Now my pulse is always high, every drs appt. They never say anything, just wow your heart races...no freaking kidding. It always does....sigh.
Anyways, They looked in my mouth, took an xray...and thats about it. The dr advised me to have them out, but he said it would be very complicated, my teeth are really impacted in my jaw and on the right, laying on some nerve that controls sensation to my face..and if he would nick or damage that nerve that i would loose that sensation ..forever. Hrmph. He said he would be willing to try...ok i dont think so. I agreed but in the back of my mind im thinking HECK NO! He said the surgery gets worse as you get older, and told me that mine do need out.
Then they preceded to tell me the costs...almost 2k. Yeah i cannot afford that.
So i paid 155 dollars for an xray and them to tell me that yeah i need them out, but that i should go to a dr that takes my "welfare" insurance to have them out...jee thanks. For one its not WELFARE, and for two i juts paid your ass 150 some dollars, and you didnt even give me a cleaning.
I dont know..i just think im going to ignore it for awhile. Its just added stress. The pain is subsiding, and if i get an infection ill call a new dentist.
Im just glad its over..i went. and its over. thank goodness...while I was at the dentist ava stayed at my sisters, she stayed there from 2 until 7...and she was fine! I was worried, but all was well.
She DID NOT sleep last night..last night was bad.
Really really bad.
I was getting impatient, i am so tired....I was getting ready to blow up so i took her to her crib. She got so mad at me she puked in there. She was in there for a total of 20 seconds, and then she threw up from screaming so loud. So i just turned on all the lights and we played. She cried, i played, we watched tv, played blocks, played noggin on the lap top...and finally around 4 am she fell asleep. She got up around 9. BUt damn...you know? I just dont know how much more i can take, i dont know why she cant sleep..its so frustrating.
Im having some troubles With Early Intervention..but i am waiting a call back. I cannot wait to get her eval done and over with. I just want everything done and over with.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Been Awhile!
So its been awhile since I have blogged. Its been really busy around here, with the wedding only 3 months away!! Holy goodness, ok only 3 1.2 months away, but i think once april is over, time will fly. Ok its flying already!!
We are all just getting over the stomach virus. Ava got it first, then Frank and I the next day. It still seems to be lingering on in me. I still feel sick to my stomach. yuck!
I also have a wisdom tooth that is bothering me, which is infected. Now...with my anxiety I am really afraid of dentists. SO i tried to cure it myself with some peroxide...but nope. It went away while i had the flu, now its back full force. I made the awful appt for tomorrow at 230. Blaach. So my anxiety has been horrible lately, chest pains gallore...swearing this tooth infection is killing me.
Ava is doing alright. She handled the stomach bug like a pro! She is still not sleeping. I Just dont know anymore, I am getting more and more sleep deprived...which i think leads to my anxiety being worse? Who knows.
She really isnt doing anything new....=( Ok i really dont feel like getting into it.
Ill try to post up to date pics later.
Take care
We are all just getting over the stomach virus. Ava got it first, then Frank and I the next day. It still seems to be lingering on in me. I still feel sick to my stomach. yuck!
I also have a wisdom tooth that is bothering me, which is infected. Now...with my anxiety I am really afraid of dentists. SO i tried to cure it myself with some peroxide...but nope. It went away while i had the flu, now its back full force. I made the awful appt for tomorrow at 230. Blaach. So my anxiety has been horrible lately, chest pains gallore...swearing this tooth infection is killing me.
Ava is doing alright. She handled the stomach bug like a pro! She is still not sleeping. I Just dont know anymore, I am getting more and more sleep deprived...which i think leads to my anxiety being worse? Who knows.
She really isnt doing anything new....=( Ok i really dont feel like getting into it.
Ill try to post up to date pics later.
Take care
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